She just told you she is pregnant. Maybe you expected the news, but there is a good chance you did not.
You may be feeling shocked, scared, confused, excited, or completely unprepared. Your mind might immediately jump to finances, your relationship, school, work, or what becoming a father could mean for your future. You may also have a strong opinion about what you think should happen next.
Your voice matters in this process. This pregnancy affects you too, and you do not have to pretend otherwise. How you respond during these first conversations can make a significant difference for both of you.
No one has all the answers, but you can support her by:
- Listening
- Learning
- Communicating honestly
- Supporting her in all that comes next
Your First Reaction Does Not Have to Be Your Final Answer
When someone tells you about an unexpected pregnancy, you may not immediately know what to say. That is okay.
You might go quiet because you are shocked. You might immediately start thinking about money or how your plans could change. You might even say something you wish you could take back because you responded before you had time to process what you were hearing.
Give yourself some time to think, but remember that she is processing the same unexpected news. You do not need to solve the situation during the first conversation. You can acknowledge that this is a lot to take in and that you need some time to think about it.
What matters is that you come back to the conversation.
Start by Listening
She has questions and concerns, and you probably do too. Here are some tips that can help you understand where she is coming from:
- Ask her how she is feeling.
- Ask what she is worried about.
- Ask whether she has thought about what she wants to do next.
- Most importantly, listen to the answers instead of using the questions as an opportunity to convince her of your point of view.
She may not know what she wants yet. She may have known about the pregnancy longer than you have, or she may have found out only hours before telling you. Either way, uncertainty does not mean that she is avoiding the issue. She may simply need time to process it.
Listening does not mean your thoughts are unimportant. It means you are making room for both of you to understand the situation before trying to decide what comes next.
Be Honest About What You Are Feeling Too
If you are scared, you can say that. If you are worried about money, your relationship, or whether you are ready to become a father, those are legitimate concerns. If you have hopes about what happens next, you can communicate those too.
The key is expressing your concerns without turning them into demands. There is a difference between saying, “I’m scared about how we could afford a baby, and I think we need to talk about that,” and telling her what she has to do because you are scared.
An honest conversation gives both of you an opportunity to identify what is really driving your concerns. Sometimes what initially sounds like disagreement about the pregnancy is actually fear about finances, housing, school, family relationships, or an uncertain future.
Learn About All of the Pregnancy Options
You might have an immediate opinion about abortion, adoption, or parenting. Before making a decision, get all the facts. Information on all your options is power.
If you are discussing abortion, learn about the different procedures, how gestational age can affect available procedures, what the process involves, and potential risks and side effects. If you are discussing adoption, learn how modern adoption works, what open and closed adoption can look like, and what role biological fathers may have in the process. If you are discussing parenting, talk honestly about finances, housing, childcare, work, education, healthcare, and how parenting responsibilities would be shared.
Do not leave all of the research to her. Write down your questions and look for reliable sources of information together. You may discover that some of the assumptions either of you had about your options were incomplete or inaccurate.
Being informed does not guarantee that you will agree, but it gives you a much better starting point for the conversation.
Help Her Get Accurate Information About the Pregnancy
Before either of you gets too far into planning what comes next, it can be helpful to have accurate information about the pregnancy itself.
A positive pregnancy test can confirm that pregnancy hormones are present, but it cannot answer every question about the pregnancy. Depending on her medical circumstances and eligibility, an ultrasound may provide information about the location of the pregnancy, its viability, and estimated gestational age.
At Anchor of Hope, licensed medical professionals provide no-cost services:
- Pregnancy testing
- Limited OB ultrasounds for those who qualify
- Options information
- Community resources
With her permission, you can attend the appointment with her. You will have the opportunity to meet separately with a male staff member to ask questions and learn more about how you can support her. Respect her wishes and be there in the ways she needs you most-even if that means she wishes to attend the appointment alone.
Think About What Practical Support Looks Like
One of the most useful things you can ask is simple: “What would be helpful right now?”
Her answer may be different from what you expect. She may want you to attend an appointment. She may need help researching options. She may want someone to sit with her while she talks through what she is thinking. Or she may simply need some time before having another conversation.
If You Disagree, Keep Talking
You can both listen carefully, learn about your options, and still disagree.
If that happens, try not to turn the conversation into a competition where one of you has to win. Ask questions and listen to what specifically concerns each of you about the different options.
You might ask:
- “What is your biggest concern about this option?”
- “What are you most afraid might happen if we choose this?”
- “What would you need to feel more confident about this decision?”
- “Is there something you wish you knew more about before deciding?”
- “What do you think we could do to support each other, no matter what we decide?”
You may realize, for example, that your biggest concern about parenting is financial. Instead of stopping at, “We can’t afford this,” find out what expenses you would actually face and what resources might be available. If you have concerns about adoption or abortion, identify the specific questions you need answered and look for reliable information together.
You may still disagree after answering those questions. But understanding the reasons behind each other’s positions can make the conversation more productive and respectful.
If Your Relationship Is Complicated, You Can Still Be Respectful
An unexpected pregnancy can happen in many different situations:
- Maybe you recently started dating.
- Maybe you recently ended the relationship.
- Maybe it was a one-night stand.
- Maybe you are not sure what your relationship is anymore.
- Maybe you are unsure whether you could be the father.
Whatever your situation looks like, you can still approach the conversation with honesty, respect, and care. Clear communication can help both of you better understand what the other person is thinking and feeling.
You Can Come to Anchor of Hope Too
With her permission, you can come to the appointment with her. You can meet with a male advocate who will walk with you during her pregnancy intake.
You do not need to walk in knowing what you think should happen. You can ask questions, learn more about the pregnancy, and better understand the options you are discussing together.
Your Role Matters
You may not have expected to be in this situation, and you may not feel prepared for it. You do not need to know exactly what to say or have every question answered today.
What you can control is how you show up.
Listen before reacting. Be honest without applying pressure. Learn instead of assuming. Ask questions. Be less certain and more curious. Offer practical help. Respect her concerns while communicating your own.
Whatever comes next, the way you handle these conversations matters.
We Are Here When You Are Ready
If you and your partner are facing an unexpected pregnancy, Anchor of Hope can provide a place to get information and ask questions. If she wants you involved, you are welcome to attend with her and learn alongside her.
Call or text: (920) 452-4673
Email: hope@anchorofhopewi.org
Book a free appointment online
Need help after hours? Call or text: 800-712-4357
Sheboygan:
1018 S. Taylor Drive
Sheboygan, WI 53081
Plymouth:
515 E. Mill Street, Door B
Plymouth, WI 53073
This blog is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical or legal advice. Please seek appropriate professional care for questions related to health, pregnancy, or legal rights. Anchor of Hope does not perform or refer for abortions.
